I am what you might call as “needy”.
I need love. The kind of love that relationships provide.
From my family, I insist to have Ibu cut my nails. I’m perfectly capable, but nothing beats manja time with Mum. I still want my grandmas to bobok me to sleep. I give hugs and kisses to all my Aunts and I whisper “I love you” so fiercely, my heart explodes.
From my friends, I hold hands with them. I spend last week cuddled in bed with two other girls, just because I was feeling down.
But I still find myself wanting. Like I have just way too much love in my heart and I need to share it.
“Get a pet! Fill your time with work!” a friend said. But I am working all the time! I often cry back indignantly.
But last week, when I cried so much I could hardly open my eyes to go to school,
I decided to take stock of what it happening.
It dawned on me that every single emotion you have has a source. And love is good, love comes from Allah swt. And he won’t forsake you after filling you up with so much positive energy. Because you see, Allah is Al Wadud, the source of love.
And when we pour so much of ourselves into mere creations that can never reciprocate, we are creating an imbalance within ourselves. A void we can never replace.
I always thought that I was immune to disappointments because I only love people I felt had unconditional love for me. I was never attached to material things you see. I am easily contented.
I finally made a profound realization that what I’m attached to is people. And being the impatient idealist, I yoyo between emotions searching for the perfect solution to discomfort. I’m attached to emotions. I let myself be vulnerable to something that is by definition, inconsistent.
So instead, from here on now, I’m committed to go back to the source. In search of fulfilment, peace and stability, I’m going back to the only One that can give as much as I give. The constant, the force, the source, the One and only.
A hadith in the Quran said:
“If Allah has loved a servant [of His], He calls Gabriel (on whom be peace) and says: ‘I love So-and-so, therefore love him.’” He (the Prophet pbuh) said: “So Gabriel loves him. Then he (Gabriel) calls out in heaven, saying: ‘Allah loves So-and-so, therefore love him.’ And the inhabitants of heaven love him.” He (the Prophet pbuh) said: “Then acceptance is established for him on earth. “(Muslim Bukhari, Malik, & Tirmidhi)
To be loved by the inhabitants of heaven :’)
My heart is at ease now.
I hope you too find the calmness in your heart to be still and receive the love God has for you.