I wouldn’t get married

I don’t think marriage works without God.

And I wouldn’t get married if I didn’t believe in a religion that propagates marriage.

Here’s why.

You see, the concomitant dilemma of modern day marriages is this; people get married for love, to be happy

But they divorce, not because they are not happy, but they could be happier

with someone else, something else

This is what happens when you live in an individualistic society.

We are inherently selfish creatures. Women want from men what men can’t give because they are just not wired the same way and vice versa.

We contradict ourselves with our wants.

In the words of Esther Perel, top marriage counsellor and psychotherapist ,

On one hand, we want security, predictability ,safety, dependability, reliability, permanence. These anchoring grounding experiences in our lives.

But we have an equally strong need for surprise, for adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, the unknown, unexpected.

Reconciling it into one relationship is a contradiction in terms.

We come to one person for the things an entire village used to provide;

give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity

but give me transcendence, mystery and awe

comfort and edge

novelty and familiarity

predictability and surprise

we think it’s a given and toys and lingerie will save us.

 

 

So why do we get married? Why do we give out a part of ourselves for this institution, commit our lives to another that can’t give what we idealistically want?

Because Allah swt has promised that a woman that takes care of her prayers, protects her chastity and makes her husband happy, will be able to enter jannah from whichever door she chooses.

And that’s enough for me.

If we see only what is in front of us, our struggles and sacrifices without having a clear sight of the end, everlasting goal, the institution of marriage will never work. If we only see our husbands as liabilities, his shortcomings to what he actually provides, our early mornings to prepare breakfasts and our daily responsibilities to keep house while building a career, our marriages will never work.

Theres something greater than all of us.

Have faith.

And Hafizah, time to finish up your assignments :p

 

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Love

I am what you might call as “needy”.

I need love. The kind of love that relationships provide.

From my family, I insist to have Ibu cut my nails. I’m perfectly capable, but nothing beats manja time with Mum. I still want my grandmas to bobok me to sleep. I give hugs and kisses to all my Aunts and I whisper “I love you” so fiercely, my heart explodes.

From my friends, I hold hands with them. I spend last week cuddled in bed with two other girls, just because I was feeling down.

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But I still find myself wanting. Like I have just way too much love in my heart and I need to share it.

“Get a pet! Fill your time with work!” a friend said. But I am working all the time! I often cry back indignantly.

But last week, when I cried so much I could hardly open my eyes to go to school,

I decided to take stock of what it happening.

It dawned on me that every single emotion you have has a source. And love is good, love comes from Allah swt. And he won’t forsake you after filling you up with so much positive energy. Because you see, Allah is Al Wadud, the source of love.

And when we pour so much of ourselves into mere creations that can never reciprocate, we are creating an imbalance within ourselves. A void we can never replace.

I always thought that I was immune to disappointments because I only love people I felt had unconditional love for me. I was never attached to material things you see. I am easily contented.

I finally made a profound realization that what I’m attached to is people. And being the impatient idealist, I yoyo between emotions searching for the perfect solution to discomfort. I’m attached to emotions. I let myself be vulnerable to something that is by definition, inconsistent.

So instead, from here on now, I’m committed to go back to the source. In search of fulfilment, peace and stability, I’m going back to the only One that can give as much as I give. The constant, the force, the source, the One and only.

A hadith in the Quran said:

“If Allah has loved a servant [of His], He calls Gabriel (on whom be peace) and says: ‘I love So-and-so, therefore love him.’” He (the Prophet pbuh) said: “So Gabriel loves him. Then he (Gabriel) calls out in heaven, saying: ‘Allah loves So-and-so, therefore love him.’ And the inhabitants of heaven love him.” He (the Prophet pbuh) said: “Then acceptance is established for him on earth. “(Muslim Bukhari, Malik, & Tirmidhi)

To be loved by the inhabitants of heaven :’)

My heart is at ease now.

I hope you too find the calmness in your heart to be still and receive the love God has for you.

Choose to stay

They say.. you marry the person that you love.

But we often run for the high hills the moment we fall out of love.

Every road block, detour or challenge makes us pause and ponder if the person’s

the one.

However we define what “one” is.

People often say that it’s easy to fall out of love. We forget the good in who we chose and instead, seek to see someone’s better.

We forget the person behind the love haze.

When the dust settles, it wipes away the imprint of good memories.

We forget growth, potential, commitment and love.

We don’t strive to choose to love the person we marry.

We are indeed so vulnerable to our own self entitlement.

So this 2017,

I’m committed to:

  1. Not be too scared of Mr Law. The flight response is very real to the slightest shift in dynamics. I’m not gonna be a trigger happy zuji.com girl anymore
  2. To write my gratitudes every single day and never go to bed unhappy or hopeless.
  3. To pray to God everyday to never leave me to myself. To have Him guide and protect us.

I’m praying everyday for the strength, courage and super glue to always fix and choose to stay. Through whatever, InsyAllah.

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P.S Mr Law, if when you read this, can you not be so fierce? I scared!

Musings

The first meow is 1 year old!

Started from the ashes of heartbreak, snot and tears.. I was moping around needing an outlet to vent.. You should have seen me with greasy hair bubbling around the house because of my toe injury. Mannnnnn. I was a sight. Ish, I wouldn’t stand too close, much less date me! Every pore was oozing invisible waves of rancid depression-like-BO. Betul!

I’m glad this site is becoming more and more positive each day! Alhamdulilah 🙂 Happiness is a choice. You can either look at every set back as a stepping stone of which you learn from, or choose to see it as a negative smudge in your life. Your choice. Plus, do you still remember that you have God??! Ahh, pray and ask for guidance, ask for peace of mind. Sure Ok! I promise.

Do I have worries?

Of course!

There’s a tiny thing about how work is stacking up and every notification from my phone might just be an assignment reminder :X

Or how another huge mortgage payment to our house is due in 6 days *gulp*

Or the fact that I’ve not been gymming + indulging waaay too much my body feels lethargic. ISH!

But there are positive things too!

  1. What I’m learning in school now is exactly what I want to do. It’s great to be in company of like-minded minds 🙂  Plus, I got this view from my dorm.
  2. I have a game plan with the mortgage payment. and 6 days is still SIX days. Have faith 🙂
  3. I’ve been expanding exponentially because things have been great! Alhamdulilah. The change in schedule has messed up certain arrangements I had. Aishah, my Secondary School Higher Malay classmate turned Cikgu Melayu herself got married and I had to eat at her event! Geez, how to say no to good Briyani??! I had Briyani 4 times that week Masyallah-sis-are-you-nuts but its soooo worth it.

    Taken by Mr Law 🙂

    Congrats Aishah baby! You looked beautiful and have a blessed marriage!!

I’m heading to the gym now. Nipping the problem right in the butt I say! Toodles!

Why every woman deserves a hardworking husband

We had dinner at MBS after work one day, me and Fazal, and took a walk around the waterfront after. It was one of those lovely clear nights guys, where you just feel intoxicated with all the love you have for life and the company next to you, full from good food and good ju-ju.

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I was giddy with happiness lying down on the wooden steps when I shared with him what I thought was an ideal home situation.

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You know, the whole white picket fence 4 room HDB flat,  fireplace burning  aircon blasting, soft music and candles. Me and him sharing dinner. When the kids come along, there’ll be bedtime stories and lullabies

And Fazal looked at me exactly like this

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 Smirking like a typical baggage laden, snarky, cynical lawyer.

💔

Tragic really.

But more than that, I knew that that was gonna be the start of 1-2 day(s) cold shoulder on his part as he tries to digest what a moron he thinks I am for having such a naive view of the world.

And he probably needs some time and space to come to terms with what I said and whether he still wants to be associated with such vile thoughts. Or something like that. Ya, he’s asshole-y like that.

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I sorta have some leverage when I’m physically in front of him. I guess a little bit of the naivety tugs at his puny heart somewhere in the depths of his gut and he’ll try to tell me with as much patience as he can muster (not much really) where he stands on things.

The dumping debate only happens after I leave. In 3, 2, 1..

That’s why a majority of our arguments happen over texts.

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But I digress.

Anyway, Fazal lamented that women have a long list of wants but cannot take it when their boyfriends/husbands have to go out and work for it.

Essentially,

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Ya. Okay.

But that got me thinking as to why are there so many odes to women, especially those working moms but you don’t hear it about working fathers. And only recently that I realised how much shit a working mom goes through daily and only by having a hardworking husband can the latter balance the scale.

Let me explain.

Last November’s birthday party cum chalet that ibu threw for ayah was the perfect setting for this incredible life lesson.

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These women are my aunts. All 3 of them are professionals  + mums. This is them taking a photo. The eye of the hurricane.

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And behind the scene they are just catering to their families while juggling demanding careers and tiring chores.

Whilst the men..

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It is just not in their mechanism to worry about laundry or what to cook for the family

Men rely on women to be an incredibly strong, impenetrable home front, to grow and nurture their family. For their selflessness and fidelity.

Thus, only when men are hardworking on the career front can he provide sufficient bread and butter to somewhat bring balance to the scales.

So these days, I just tell Fazal that if we get married, “you just come home la ah.. I don’t care what time. And eat every morsel of food I’ve cooked for you”.

Then we can snuggle

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Lullabies and bed time stories?

We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

P.S. In Fazal’s defence

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It’s not much of him purposely trying to be difficult.

It’s just that at 30, he’s unfuckwithable you know?

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And at life’s trajectory, he’s far on the horizon of the beaten path. He know’s what he wants and god knows that the baggage of past relationships tells him exactly what he doesn’t want.Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 5.31.17 pm

It’s bend or break with him.

The fear of retaliation, contradiction and defamation is real with this one.

And I was the debater who sang High School Musical 😅

Plus, I’m still fumbling in my idealistic corner at the very start of the path, trying to fix the little ouchies. I’m not even enroute, I’m “on the way” Malay version. 

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BUT, in my defence

He has a patience range of a teaspoon guys with a very wide real estate on the fucking pissed department

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He needs a bigger spoon.

Do you guys know where I can buy him a nice big spoon? Industrial size please!

The thing about being in a relationship..

I know, guys, I know.

I somehow always relate my posts about my being in a relationship.

It’s just that professionally, (furiously knocking on all the wood there is around me) I’ve got it under control.

 

In the great words of Casey Neistat,

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Andy Spade said that Working Family is a great name for a business

“..because if you can figure out work and family you will be happy in life. For me, and likely for you, work and family is basically all there is.”

 

This is family. We’re chill.

 

And for the past 9 months..

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This is family too.

 

And the unchartered waters that came along with the new family, namely this strange entirety that is a 29 year old opinionated, short tempered and extremely cranky man..

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Befuddling how he went from someone who once threatened to throw Moomers away, to the love of my life guys.

 

Man. He’s just hard to figure out.

Gimme 100 of these sweaty smelly gremlins I still can

 

But this one big baby

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Uh huh

So, I suck at this guys 😦

sorry kitten

 

Of course after some time, I learn to decipher some of his little nuances..

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Like see that nose flaring and lips curling? Oh boy, THE warning sign.

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When in doubt, always offer seafood.
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Best time to discuss those Chanel bags.. *ehem* My birthday is in 2 months okay?

The thing about relationships..

It’s the few elements in life (like staying on a budget and getting a bikini wax without screaming bloody murder) I can’t seem to get a hold of. 

I find myself helplessly sifting through my Uni modules regarding communications and people management to unearth the answers to the mysteries of being a couple.

Like for example Prof Huang from Coms Management taught me about the left-hand and right-hand column..

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And there will be a third arrow using the left hand column as a yardstrick, to reflect and figure out objectively why and how I got to these feelings and there’s a whole series of strategies to prevent miscommunication in the corporate world. I got an A+ for this module.

I mean, Prof Huang should stuff his theories up his ass. 

University teaches you nothing.

So these days, in order to figure out this discombobulating web of relationships, I’m taking a lesson from one of the greatest literature of our generation..

Thought Catalog

Tragic. I know.

Okay, but there are some really great articles and one was even referred to me by my foreign entirety. 

First order of business guys, is always, always, research the enemy subject matter.

In order to get more clarity about this foreign entirety(FE), I investigated the thought catalog article he gave me.

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Tell me more Brianna Wiest..

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Okay.. This I agree. FE is as low maintenance as they come. But oh boy, there’s a Line guys drawn so thick and NO! pretty much means no. I’ll hear about it loud and clear.

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FE is all about this. Read above.

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You cannot fake happy.

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And all I feel is happy whenever I’m with him.

Maybe this relationship has no finishing line and the journey is the destination and the obstacles are just detours along the way.

Maybe like bikini waxes and staying within budget, I just got to take it one day (or strip) at a time because the journey lasts a lifetime (of course the former changes with his preference 😉 )

We’re probably gonna face more challenges along the way. It’s just that we are disagreeing at a staggering rate these days and it’s never been this way.

But I know deeeeep down, he still loves me guys.

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If you are reading this, I know I don’t say it enough too..

But thank you for everything ok? ❤

Okay, now to learn how to live within budget. HAHAHAHA.

Yeah. I just heard my wallet laugh too.

The Accident in Bali and 5 Things I Learn To Do In An Emergency

I had planned on doing a guide to Europe on a shoe string budget. I’ll get back to that SOONEST, guys. Promise. 

But I need to write about this.

5 things you need to do when met with an accident in Bali. 

Some context.

I left for Bali on the 1st of December. It was a drop-everything-and-just GO kinda trip. I feel like I’m prefacing this to every trip but it’s true.

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Flight confirmation at 1.58am. Just in time to check in on-line and leave.

 

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I had to encounter the wrath of my Ibu (Mom). Mom: Why are you leaving out of a sudden? Do you have any problems? Bali is not very safe. Me: Haha, well I’m going with 3 other people Mom: Next time when you are married and you behave this way, your marriage will crumble. What wonderful behaviour, telling me this just before you leave.

Of course I felt bad. And I came clean to her when I came back.

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Result: Guys, I reek of sambal belacan, onions and garlic everyday because I’m doomed to kitchen slave duty for the rest of the year. I’m bleeding chilli paste and beef stock.

But the absolute worse is coming clean to Fazal. I’ll spare you guys the gory details but man I think getting a spear through my heart might hurt less. I’d rather be hogtied and licked on the toes by cats.

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Shots fired. Can someone say ouch?

Okay, but I digress.

The weapon

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See that puny little black bike stand there?

I was at the beach front of Ku De Ta with Sophie, my new found Belgian friend, when we decided that we had enough of the crashing waves. Surfing conditions were pissed poor and I thought we would have better luck in Kuta.

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Me and Sopz. Something like this. But of course much, much, easier on the eyes. *bats eyelashes*

But time was a ticking,

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4.15pm. Peak hour traffic to Kuta, 4.45pm. Losing our way, 5.15pm. 45mins surfing plus sunset. Ok can. HURRY, HURRY, HURRY

 

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Mad dash to the scooter

And then this happened..

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I hit a small rock while kicking out to kick up my scooter stand. And my nail just decided to tear itself away from my skin.

Hullo nail, what just happened?! It was gory.

So finally, here’s the 5 things you should do if such events happened to you. 

  1. Do NOT panic.

 

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Sopz was washing her board when I came up to her..

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Unfortunately, minus the surfer dude. (stolen from her fb)

“Uh oh Sopz. Change of plans.”

“You don’t bloody say”

2. Assess the situation and ask for help.

The scooter was parked right next to the life guard post and without even asking, a couple of these life guards just came to the rescue.

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These guys are wonderful. Incredibly helpful. Look for Red and Yellow. You can’t miss them on the beach.

They poured alcohol solution on my wound and.. (shivers up my spine, guys. i s.c.r.e.a.m.e.d. So.Much.Tears.and.Snot.) I gripped on Sopz real tight and begged them to not pour anymore.

They wrapped up my toe neatly and I was off.

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3. Go back to your hostel/hotel to get ID

Of course for me, right at this very moment, Fazal decided to break his silent treatment

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I swear this guy, he’s a bloodhound. He sniffs me out the exact moment I get into trouble.

4. You can choose to go to the hospital or any of the pharmacies around the area. Every pharmacy has an in-house doctor to deal with all your ouchies.

I chose (well, more like me and Sopz stumble into) the Kimia Farma Apotek just 2 minutes out of the hostel. They are a chain and you can find them everywhere in Bali. They are so gentle and kind, they really take care of you, guys.

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Hospitality takes time.

 That-means-if-you-have-a-severe-injury-please-get -the-heck-out because-you-might-just-die-waiting-in-line. A chef came after me with a severed thumb and his thumb was literally blue and he was moaning in pain but nope, the doctor was still inside tending to some sprain ankle -_-

5) Take lousy amount of selfies to distract you from the pain

 

Because the pain, it’s gonna hurt real bad. Real bad. 

The doctor had to use anaesthesia to remove the nail from the skin. And anaesthesia (4 brutal jabs) on incredibly sensitive toe full of nerve endings?

Wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. Or maybe just that one bitch.. I KID.

Aftermath

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Hullo toe nail.
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Doc took this for us after the procedure. HAHA. How sweet. Sorry if you lost your thumb waiting for us.

Then I went back to the hostel to shower and eat my meds. Pain killers come come, come to mama

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Mama bear Sopz

Then I went to bed

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“Moomers, I bwoken”

Couldn’t find my receipt but..

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SO. EXPENSIVE. It should slightly more expensive at the hospital (according to Pak Tio, the hostel manager at least).

Then I went back home to my best friend

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HEH.

More like..Screen Shot 2015-12-22 at 12.24.04 am

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😦

In all honesty,

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Sundae scale of pain

Seriously guys, you can be the toughest buff lord but breaking your heart hurts no amount of painkillers can fix.

It’s true what they say. You just got to find someone worth the pain.

Me and Fazal, we are tentatively trying to fix us tentatively fixed us and how we deal with things.

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But he’s worth it, guys.